anxiety.

i despise anxiety. it goes hand in hand with depression and the two are as bad as each other. it's like having someone come and blindfold you and push you around. you feel so out of control and helpless in places you once felt so strong. i suffer from anxiety at this time of the year as it is the in between stage. in between an old year that has become so well known and a new year with unknowns and new changes. some people over eat when they get nervous or anxious or depressed. i am the opposite and have a complete loss of appetite. yesterday friends came round for brunch and one of them commented to me 'you're fading away'! i am trying to keep eating and stay positive and surround myself with people who will support and understand this side of me.

the one thing i think has set off the anxiety this year is that my brother and mum left for cambodia last night. it was so hard at the airport. i felt numb and like i was going to vomit all at the same time. i wanted to grab onto them and never let them go. you see, mum acts as my 'go to' person through this time of the year. i get anxious and need to talk to someone, i go to her. so having 2 and a bit weeks without her around is going to be a challenge. but it is one i know i can face and get through. i get through it every year and i am determined that this year will be no different! i want them to have such an amazing time and i am going to be so rediculously excited when they come home.

i know there are probably other people put there suffering similar things. whether it is at a particular time of the year or set off by something in particular, i know the feeling and sometimes feel so alone in this. but you are not alone and it is possible to fight anxiety if we just keep a positive mind and surround ourselves with positive people.

i hope you are all so well and getting by the best you can wherever you are.

jusqu'à la prochaine fois.